Welcome to July Part II! Less than a week until I return to America and I’m consumed by a maelstrom of competing emotions. What else is new?
SONG INSPIRATION
This blog is inspired by Doja Cat’s “Roll with Us” from her album, Amala.
LEAVING / RETURNING
It doesn’t feel like I just left America. I remember my enthusiasm, anxiety, hopefulness, and helplessness. I remember laying over in Korea in a cerebral state of disbelief and unbridled excitement. I remember stepping into a cold, barren apartment, sitting at the dinner table with Amazon boxes piled high, and feeling overwhelmed. I felt exhausted, uncertain, and overcome with regret. But those were the first day (or two) jitters. Then, I put on my big boy boxer briefs and made an executive decision to make this apartment my oasis and yeet any feelings of apprehension. I purchased what I needed. I cleaned. I organized. I accomplished.
Annnnnnnnd now I’m returning to the land of the “free”. While I’m anxious to see my friends and family, I’m not ready to re-immerse myself into American life. I checked off a lot of bucket list items by moving to Asia but I didn’t get homesick. I didn’t get sick of Japan. I wasn’t pining to drive my car again or experience terrible customer service. I did miss the food though. I recognize that I’m returning to America as a slightly different person with a larger perspective on life, career aspirations, etc. I also recognize that I will start the next chapter of my life (if I haven’t already). While I feel ambivalent about my return, I take solace in plans to return to Japan (and travel abroad) in the not-so-distant future.
TAKEAWAYS FROM LIVING ABROAD
1 – It’s important to live alone (at some point).
Prior to moving to Japan, I’d never lived alone. I’d either lived at home or – since college – had roommates. I hadn’t considered this until my impending move to Japan. Whether or not I realized it, always living with someone else had built a subconscious dependency within me. Moving to Japan was an opportunity to experience life and solve problems on my own. More importantly, it gave me a chance to spend a lot of time with my own thoughts. I’ve never spent this much time alone. And I had a chance to get to know myself, which if I’m being honest, is a trifle scary at times.
2 – It’s okay to change directions when things aren’t what you envision.
I have no qualms about living in Japan. No place is perfect, but as a wise man once said, paradise is a state of mind. I would love to spend another year or two living in this beautiful country, soaking up its rich culture, and contributing to something bigger than myself. For me, teaching English in a municipal education system isn’t the way to do that. I love teaching and I love being in the classroom. Interacting with students gives me so much energy. But a lack of flexible work hours, following orders (sometimes for the sake of following orders), and having limited freedoms in the classroom proved to be more than I could handle. I genuinely enjoyed working with most of my teachers, but the expectations of my role were too incongruent with my work ethic. I admit many of my grievances are systemic, but I’m also at a stage in my life – and with the necessary credentials – where I don’t have to report within a rigid hierarchy. This doesn’t detract from this amazing opportunity. I grew as a teacher and gained invaluable work experience.
3 – Trust Issues
I still can’t trust people. In America, this hasn’t been a problem for years because I’ve surrounded myself with a wall of hilarious and amazing characters who fill me with joy (even if I won’t admit it to them). Moving to Japan into an apartment complex of fellow foreigners reopened a box of emotions from high school and college that I thought I had buried, exhumed, and burned. Fundamentally, I have a difficult time trusting people. I don’t trust their intentions, their words, actions, or anything. It makes it difficult to make friends and it can leave one feeling isolated. But it also has the benefit of reducing drama and keeping my life in state of balance (yeah, I’ve been watching Avatar Last Airbender vids on YouTube). However, I never encountered this when dealing with my Japanese coworkers and students. I’m sure there’s some cross-cultural / socio-psychological reason for this. Regardless, the reopening of wounds once thought healed has reminded me that I still have emotional labor to do in rectifying this aspect of my character.
4 – I am capable of more than I give myself credit for.
Sometimes we don’t give ourselves enough credit. Moving to another country where your mother tongue isn’t spoken is challenging. Establishing a functional life in that country ain’t easy. Now, I can appreciate some of the complexities inherent to moving and living abroad. For the first few weeks, every day was rife with obstacles. Learning the city. Learning the transportation network. Finding groceries. Learning how to pay rent. Meeting new people. Visiting City Hall for business. Although not too long ago, I reflect on those early weeks – how much I worried and how much I’ve grown. I overcame it all. Whenever I felt anxious, I told myself something like “Let’s just do it. It’ll pass.” I knew that no matter what embarrassment occurred it would be over before I knew it and I’d end up home on my sofa watching Tik Toks.
5 – I still have a lot of growing to do.
Growth is constant. I look forward to growing and evolving as I age and have new experiences. That said, I’d like to believe I’ve grown in some areas more so than I actually have. After living here for 7 months and spending way too much time in my head, I’ve realized that I still require A LOT of emotional and psychological growth. There are still wounds from my early adult years – wounds that I thought I’d healed – that cause me mistrust, paranoia, inability to be vulnerable, etc. I also recognize that I still have residual anger from issues I also experienced in early adulthood. These are things that I easily forget when surrounded by the familiar and comfortable faces and spaces of home. It’s my job to work on, and hopefully, resolve these issues with time. But I wouldn’t have realized the depth of these problems had I not been transported to an unfamiliar environment without a support network.
CURRENT SHOWS
Recently finished: Bob’s Burgers (s11); John Adams; Modern Family (s1); Tokyo Ghoul (s2)
Currently watching: Modern Family (s2); The Handmaid’s Tale (s4); Tokyo Ghoul (s3)
Thank you for reading! My next blog is scheduled for Thursday, August 26th. Please stay safe and get vaccinated if you can! Until next time….
The Planetary Novelist 