A lot can change in a month. Let’s get into it.
SONG INSPIRATION
This month’s blog is inspired by another track from Doja Cat, Get Into It (Yuh), from her new album Planet Her.
ADJUSTMENT – UNDER THE SONORAN SUN
Three weeks. That’s how long I’ve been back in the Western hemisphere. While that may sound like a reasonable amount of time to adjust, I can assure you (for me) it’s not. Externally, the weather is different. It’s hotter. Drier. The scenery is browner. Less urban. The routines are different. I’ve returned to driving wherever I need to go, which I despise. Grocery shopping no longer involves a 10-minute walk/bus ride. There’s no patisserie right next door. There’s no convenient bus stop. No train to take me to some new exciting city just over the horizon. Short grain rice isn’t the default. None of this compares to the overwhelming psychological and emotional realignment that comes from a burnt-out brain experiencing reverse culture shock during a global platypus.
Of course, there are positives. I’ve found a new routine. I have activities and projects to keep me occupied. Legos, writing, podcasts, reorganizing my apartment, etc. My sleep schedule has adjusted (had a little insomnia for a couple of weeks) and I’m fully vaccinated. I’ve had the opportunity to see a couple of my close friends and feast on some of my favorite meals. That said, it could easily be another month or two or three before I’ve fully processed my time in Japan, my return to America, and my path going forward. It’s an introspective journey filled with moments of both jubilation, exhaustion, and regret.
BURNOUT
Physically, I’m fit as a hand-me-down fiddle. Mentally and emotionally, I am exhausted. I can’t muster up the energy to meet new people, work for extended periods, and I’m unexplainably irritable. My friends who’ve all graduated in recent years have assured me it’s none other than DUN DUNN DUNNN – burnout. I can’t focus. I’m increasingly selfish with my time and energy. I feel heavy, lethargic, unmotivated, uncertain, and occasionally numb. I know it’s not depression – I still derive pleasure from the people and activities I enjoy. I’m not sad, eating too much/too little, anxious, etc. I just feel bleh, a scientific term for stagnant.
This is a common response after an arduous graduate school journey. Adding a pandemic, a short-term post-doc, and a transoceanic move to the pile only worsens it. Living in Japan, while a nice mental break from science (mostly), was physically demanding and a life-changing experience on its own. Now, I’m back in my “comfort zone” and I just want to breathe. I want to figure out what I’m doing with my life, what I need to do to heal, what I want to do next, where I want to go, and what I want to be. I need time for self-care! It all comes down to values and priorities. But I need time to recuperate from my hard work and codify those values/priorities into something tangible and sustainable. That’s going to be a little harder because….
NEXT STEPS
…I’ve started my second post-doctoral fellowship. Thankfully, it’s a remote post-doc, so I don’t have to stress about relocating during these trying times. Yes, I’m burnt out and in desperate need of medium-to-long term self-care. And, yes, even my PhD advisor suggested (and supported) a multi-month respite if possible. However, I was offered a position with two of my essential requirements – flexibility and independence. The real question is, can I recover from academia while working in academia again? That’s the experiment I’ve started to conduct.
What comes next? Right now, I’m forced to take it one day at a time for my sanity’s sake. I’m easing back into writing – need to get a paper out this semester – and the dreaded paradigm of Zoom meetings. I need to establish a manageable work routine, while also juggling self-care and a variety of plans this fall. It’s unclear where I will go after this post-doc. There’s the possibility of taking an actual break. Or another post-doc. Or a teaching position at a community college. Or working at a university – who knows! Thinking that far ahead, especially now, only makes me more tired.
Advice: A friend of mine recently shared a post from IG (@blessthemessy) that details signs of burnout: headache, feeling negative or overly critical, unexplained exhaustion, irritable, becoming physically ill, insomnia (and/or change in sleep patterns), endless anxiety, feeling inadequate (and/or hopeless), neglect self-care, and feeling numb or apathetic about life. If you feel like you may be experiencing burnout, then you probably are and you can begin to take steps (and they may be tiny steps of self-care) to address it.
CURRENT SHOWS
Recently finished: Easy (s1-2); Loki; The Handmaid’s Tale (s4); Tokyo Ghoul (s3)
Currently watching: Chrome Shelled Regios; Easy (s3); Modern Family (s2)
As always, thank you for reading! I hope you found some of this relatable and helpful. My next blog is scheduled for Thursday, September 23rd. Until next time….
The Planetary Novelist 